Your odds of surviving the zombie apocalypse

Being a fan of zombie movies, and having enjoyed a few lately, I thought I’d present you with a scientific look at your odds of surviving the zombie apocalypse. You should ask your friends to objectively tell you which category you land in. This will give you your odds of survival and let you know if it’s even worth fighting the hordes of undead in the first place.

The Hunky/Hot Leader
You are a tough, no-nonsense kind of leader of either the male of female variety. You have a presence that people naturally follow but may be reluctant to be burdened with the responsibility. It also helps if you are handy with a variety of improvised weapons and explosives. You’ll need the ability to overcome the naysayers in the group.
Chance of survival: 50%
You have the ability to survive. Your survival, however, will ultimately depend of whether the writers of your particular zombie story need to pull one last heart string at the end.

The Love Interest
Every hunky/hot leader needs a love interest. You may be put off by their leadership style at first, but you’ll soon come around.
Chance of survival: 78%
Your odds are good because you have the most capable member of the group who is willing to sacrifice himself/herself for you and your newfound love. You should probably feel a little bad about that if you survive in this fashion.

The Snob
If you are male, you are between the age of 30 and 55. You talk incessantly about your high-powered job and the amount of money you make. Used to having your way in the corporate world, you will not adjust well to the new order of zombie anarchy. You will discover the term “power lunch” means something entirely different to zombies. If you are a female, you are between the age of 17 and 25. You will be more concerned with your nails and your trust fund than with your coming death.
Chance of survival: 0%
Bad news for those in the highest tax brackets. Not only will you die, it will almost certainly be one of the most gruesome of deaths. Also your death will probably be accompanied by applause because you’ve been a jerk to pretty much everyone. If zombie films have taught us anything, it’s that our consumer culture is evil and your death will put the period at the end of that statement.

The Elderly
Sorry. Your chances of survival aren’t great. Fast or slow, these zombies have numbers on their side. And let’s face it, you just aren’t as speedy as you used to be, are you? But, cheer up, you’ve lived a good, long life.
Chance of survival: 28%
Not only will you most likely die but several members of the group will also perish trying to save you.

The Soldier
You’ve fought wars. You’ve killed people. The zombie apocalypse is known to you as “just another Tuesday.” You relish each time you get to fight the undead. You are an expert with armed and unarmed combat. Your subscription to Guns & Ammo has just been renewed so you have a reason to live.
Chance of survival: 15%
So why is your chance of survival so low? Well, let’s face it, you were meant to go out in a blaze of glory. Take solace knowing your death will involve really big guns, an explosion and piles of the undead. Also your sacrifice will lead to the eventual escape of the remaining survivors.

The Secretly Infected
Your group has just repelled the latest wave of zombies in a pitched battle. Everyone celebrates this brief victory as you sit in a corner and notice the wound a stray zombie mouth inflicted on you. Luckily it’s hidden under your clothes so no one notices. What now? If you tell them, they will kill you. If you don’t, you become a zombie and will most likely kill some of them. Your selfishness kicks in and you don’t say a word. You figure living, even as one of the undead, is better than death.
Chance of survival: 0%
You just don’t stand a chance. Even if you fully convert to the zombie way, the rest of the group will kill you at some point. This is just one of those days where nothing will go your way. And honestly, you deserve it for betraying the group with your selfishness.

Comments

  1. says

    Decent stats, but I completely disagree with you on the survival rate of the hot leader. Almost EVERY zombie movie I’ve ever watched has kept the “leader” alive – in fact, the only one I can think of is Night of the Living Dead. It’s at least 70%, but I’d probably give it 85%.

    Also, not all leaders are hunky OR hot. Example? Shaun of the Dead. God bless Simon Pegg for his humor and wit, but the man is not what the majority of society would consider hunky or hot. Sorry, Simon.

    NOT to mention, Secretly Infected guy in Shaun of the Dead DOES survive to play video games another day.

    Now I realize Shaun of the Dead is mostly a spoof of Zombie movies, but it is still a Zombie movie :)

  2. says

    I might give you ground on the leader survival rate, however, if Simon Pegg isn’t hot I don’t know who is ;)

    In Shawn of the Dead, it’s his mother who is the secretly infected and she does, in fact, die.

  3. says

    I was counting his friend Ed, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen it so I guess I go them backwards. And while Simon Pegg is adorable, even a bit cute, I’ll have to agree to disagree on hotness. Robert Downey Jr. he is not.

    But overall, fair enough. I’m glad we could have this conversation ;)

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